Our Ja'Nae

I remember when there was a time that I couldn't have imagined being a mom, now being a mom is the one thing that I couldn't imagine not being. So, today I dedicate my blog to my baby, my only daughter Kaidence. This is the poem I wrote when I was planning her christening. Enjoy...

I never imagined having a kid but the day I felt you move, my motherly instincts instantly kicked in, and although you're from my womb, you are your dads twin. 

I never knew I could love someone more than I love myself until the day that I had you, the feeling is so amazing that having you seems too good to be true. 

You've changed my life in ways that I can't explain, seeing you smile at me reassures me that you were definitely worth all the aches and pains. 

I can't believe I actually considered aborting you, each day you give me something to look forward to. 

I wouldn't dare trade you for the world, you are my sweetheart and your dad's favorite girl. 

I've learned to love you more than life itself, just to have and hold you, I'll give up all the fame, fortune, and wealth, for you are my life and I'll give my last breath. 

I promise to help you, protect you, support and mold you, to build a bond that'll always connect us two. 

No matter what life throws your way, I'll always have your back at the end of the day, good or bad, right or wrong, mommy will know just what to say to take all of life's pains away, long as I'm alive, everything will be okay, and through it all, mommy and daddy love's you, our Kaidence Ja'Nae!

Being a mom is not the easiest job in the world, but it is the best job title that I've held thus far. This little girl changed my life in more ways than one, a mother's love is definitely something that can't be explained. If I could do it all over I would have never considered not having her. I don't know anybody else's situation as a parent but our children only get one mom or dad, so make the best of it. Enjoy it and cherish the moments you get with them. I may not be or mean anything to anyone else, but to Kaidy I am the best mom ever, and I'll take that because if I am nothing else, I know that I am just that, a damn good mother. I thank God everyday for choosing me to be her mom, I don't know why He did, but I am glad that He did and I promise to be the best mom that I can be for her and to her. 

Psalms 127:3,"Behold, children are a heritage from the LORD, the fruit of the womb a reward."

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

Love Has

Just because it's Friday, I decided to share with you my newest poem as of yesterday. No I do not speak for all women, but most women can relate. Being that we're emotional and more sensitive than men, we can over think every little thing while we're in "love." Let's just take a journey through relationships from most women perspectives...

Love Has...

Love has been too roller coaster with me, some nights it weighs heavy on my heart and mind causing me to lose sleep.

Love has been good and damn it's been fucking bad, it's made me show signs and reveal behaviors that I didn't even know I had.

Love has turned me into this over thinking, sensitive, jealous chick, got me feeling ways and wanting things that I didn't know exist, love will have you saying and doing some fucked up shit, wanting to know what he's doing, where he's at and who he's with?!

Love has given me gifts of perfume, diamonds and pearls,
Had men telling me I was the most beautiful woman in the world, only to turn around and find out I wasn't his only girl.

Love has caused us to sometimes turn a blind eye to shit we knew he did wrong, making excuses for everything he did outside the norm, telling people other females didn't mean anything because he always comes back home, love will make even the smartest man or woman look and sound dumb.

Love has given me my share of smiles, laughs and happy times, I've experienced a love that was all mine, had me thinking about forever and being together a longtime.

I've planned weddings, celebrated anniversaries, and took family photos all in my head, thinking that one day he would want more than the jewel between my legs, telling me he wanted to share more than just a bed; so, I knew we would eventually be more than just friends.

See love has made us see and believe in fairy tales, telling our family and friends that this one is different and what we have is rare.

Even after all that love has put me through, I still believe that one day I will experience my dreams coming true. Love has made me happy and its made me sad, it's shown me some good days and some bad.

There's been times when love had me shedding a few tears but for the most part love has been great to me over the years.

When it's all said and done you have to leave failed relationships in the past, and everything that you couldn't or wouldn't do, well love has...

Ladies, we have to just be patient and wait on the Lord. Eventually God will send our husbands to find us.
 Proverbs 18:22, "He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the lord."

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

I Surrender

Exodus 15:2, "The Lord is my strength and my defense; He has become my salvation. He is my God and I will praise Him; my father's God and I will exalt Him."

So, after feeling broken and not knowing what else to do, I did the only thing that was left to do and that was to let it go and let God...sometimes the only thing that you can do, when you can no longer stand is to fall on your knees and pray.

I Surrender.

Lord, I give it all to You.
I'm confused and I don't know what to do.
I need You, I cannot do it alone,
All hope is gone,
Where did my life go wrong?
Please forgive me for I have sinned,
I need You to cleanse me from within,
Although I feel lost, I can still win.
I will not let the devil defeat me,
No longer will I drown in self pity,
I'm choosing to get up and stand on my own two feet,
Things are not really as bad as they seem.
Tough times don't last, tough people do,
I've became stronger the minute I decided to live for You,
If You can bless Job a hundred times fold, You can do it for me too.
Worrying and stressing is now a thing of the past,
Because only what you do for Christ will last.
I can't give up now, I only need faith the size of a mustard seed,
So Lord I'm giving myself away and trusting You to use me.
Have Your will, have Your way,
I Surrender my all to You this day.

Often times, we try to do and figure everything out on our own and the truth is we can't and we need help. We need spiritual guidance. I learned that if I wanted God to bless me then I had to stop allowing the devil to answer my complaints. Instead of focusing on what I didn't have, I started to praise God for all the things that I did have. We tend to take life for granted, but we must realize that there is someone out there with bigger problems, wishing that they had the life and situations we complain about. Remember that when you don't know what else to do, turn to the one that loves you. Give it all over to Him and trust that things will be okay. He may not come when we want Him to, but He is always on time. Just when you are ready to give up, He will step in.

Isaiah 41:10, "So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand."

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

Broken

Before the degree, the new job, the life you may think I have from the pictures you see on social media, I was down and I was lost. I was hurting. Trust, I've felt the struggle before and I know what it's like to go without. I didn't always have what I wanted but I was blessed to have what I needed but some days I was still defeated because I needed more! Well, lets just take a look....

BROKEN

I've been in this storm for awhile now, people keep telling me that God will make a way somehow.
Yet, I haven't seen anything change, but my storm getting heavier because it pours when it rains, my life is in vain, and all I feel is pain.
Faith is the things unseen, but visible or not, I no longer know what to believe.
I'm barely making ends meet, some days don't have food to eat, I can't pay my bills, can't buy my baby a meal.
It's been months since I paid my car note, the more time passes by the more I begin to lose all hope.
God said He would supply all my needs, yet I'm in need,  I'm beginning to think that He has forgotten about me.
I no longer attend church, and some days I don't pray,  I've said to God all that I could say, I used to feel like I would eventually be okay, but even that's hard to feel these days.
I'm lost, I'm hurting, and I'm afraid,
I try not to worry, but the stress just won't go away.
I'm financially, mentally, and spiritually broken, the pain in my heart is only half of what I've spoken.
Well, until next time, I'll keep trying this last lifeline, and when it's my time, I guess God will show me I'm next in line. 

If you've been broke, unemployed, past due on bills, etc I've been there too. But, it's not the end of the world! I know what it's like to cry myself to sleep, wishing, hoping and praying for things to be okay. And I agree that it definitely gets worse before it gets better; however, it does get better. Whatever you do, don't lose faith and don't give up on yourself! God will make a way for you.

Romans 8:28, "And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his purpose."

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

It Wasn't Promised to Me

It Wasn't Promised to Me

The road to college graduation was rough,

Not always having the finances, working full time and being a new mom made it tough.

I had online classes but my computer and Internet wasn't always on my side,

Some assignments I missed and some I failed no matter how hard I tried,

Many days I didn't think I would ever finish college and just sat up and cried.

There were times when finishing a course was a struggle, because no matter what I was first a mother, and she needed more attention than any of it.

Yep, I definitely experienced long nights and early mornings, sitting in class falling asleep because the lecture was boring, but I had to keep reminding myself that the end result would be rewarding. 

I didn't always have money for books or to even pay for class; so, I sometimes prayed just to get a C so I could pass. 

I definitely couldn't afford to drop or retake not one course,

Hell the more classes I took and passed the faster me and college could divorce.

Then I could walk my ass across that stage and be free at last; so, essays, discussion boards and exams would be a thing of the past. 

So many times I wanted to call it quits, questioning what made me get myself into this, because all my other obligations and responsibilities were making me feel like I couldn't do it, especially those times when me or mainly my daughter was sick.

Sometimes I didn't think I wanted it bad enough but because of my daughter I couldn't give up.

I started the educational journey for me, but when I had her I knew I had to succeed, because having a career and not just a job was a part of my dream and I had to provide long term for my family.

And to think about how I put in years of hard work although I wasn't always dedicated, but I had done too much studying and homework to let it go to waste, so that last semester I worked hard and put on my game face, but it hurt knowing I couldn't afford to graduate!

Thank God for my mom and my child's father because they came through, because nothing could ever describe or take away that moment when Kaidy said, "Mommy, I'm proud of you!" 

As you can tell it definitely wasn't promised to me, and none of it came easy, but I vowed that graduation would be a day that both she and I would experience and see, so I made it by being the best mother, employee and student I could be!

Never stop dreaming, never stop believing. Sure, I wanted to give up but I didn't. No, college is not for everybody. But, if you want to go to college, then go for it. Getting an education is something that no one could ever take from you. Do it for yourself, do it for your kids. The accomplishment feels great. Who cares if you are a single parent, a divorced parent, a full time employee, a dropout, and the list goes on...you still have time to turn things around. Will it be easy, no. Worth it, absolutely!

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved 

Sorry Ass Baby Daddy

Sometimes I like to have fun with my poetry! It's amazing how I can come up with things so fast. But, this one was inspired by a group conversation with my girls! Lol.

 SORRY ASS BABY DADDY!

Mommy's baby all the time, daddy's baby some days because this bastard is plain ole lazy!
He can't even fit the bill or even take time to buy my baby a meal.
His ass just sorry for no reason at all, go days, weeks, months without even calling.
 I just don't understand how you can put yourself on child support and don't even pay, like dude buying my child 2 pair of shoes for an entire school year is not okay.
We have a growing kid with needs, I need you to come up off some cash for football, baseball, and basketball fees!
And you're too old to still be out here calling yourself poor hustling, I'm the single parent but you're the one struggling!
You don't deserve to call yourself a dad, your child barely respects you and that's sad, you don't take care of your kids but you call yourself a man, you ought to be ashamed of yourself having to always tell your kid, well daddy will do what he can!
I can't believe I opened my legs for a guy like you, I should have known things were to good to be true.
After all the lies and the nights I cried, you still found time to do everything else but try.
Try to step up to the plate and take care of responsibility but you're to childish to grow up and face reality, with this child mentality, doing things out of spite trying to hurt me.
But, sorry bastard the jokes on you,  I have family and friends that's done more for your child than you could ever do.
In the end I'm all the parent he needs and then some, your sorry ass can gone on, you and the horse you rode in on because at the end of the day trust and believe I take good care of my son!
I'll continue to do this alone gladly, and keep this classy because you're not worth the trouble ole sorry ass baby daddy!

Many of you can probably relate, and I hate that for you! But, remember as mom or dad, always do what you can and what you can't, let God! Stay encouraged! I ask God daily to mold and shape me into the parent He needs me to be for my daughter! Never give up! Those little ones depend on you! Your kids love you through it all. Never let doing it alone define you! Continue to be the best mom and dad you can be!!!

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

My Reality

Nope, I never wanted kids; but, as a woman if I were to have them, of course I dreamed of how my pregnancy would go. For starters, I always planned to be married and then have kids. But, hey life happens. Anyway, maybe I watch too much television and read too many books because my pregnancy was nothing like what I saw and read about. I just knew my child’s father would be attentive and affectionate. He was always so kind and sweet, loving and caring as a person. But, when it came to my pregnancy, well yea not so much. I didn’t necessarily blame him for what he didn’t do, I blamed myself for expecting him to do it. Ladies, I’m sure while pregnant, you too wanted foot and back rubs, phone calls and texts to check on you, surprise meals, bubble baths, accompanied to doc appointments, etc. Maybe I was asking for too much because I didn’t get that!

Especially being that I was always so sick, I expected more concern and thoughtfulness from him. Hell, I was only carrying his child. My morning sickness and hormonal headaches were horrible. The numbness and swelling in my hands and feet were the worst. Then there was issues with my blood pressure that eventually caused me to have an emergency c-section at 37 weeks. Just about every pregnancy symptom that could occur, I think I experienced at least once.

But, thank God for my best friends and my family. They were at every doctor's appointment, went sat with me in emergency, helped planned my gender reveal and baby shower, etc. Nights I cried, they cried with me. Also, his mom was great. After meeting her, she called and texted frequently to check on us. It was great having her to welcome me and my baby with no judgment. He wasn’t the worst, but he definitely wasn’t the best, but I appreciate the times that him and/or his family was there. The crazy part is, before and after the pregnancy things between us were great. Maybe the whole pregnancy part of things were just not his thing, that part he doesn’t deal well with.

Ladies, I say all of this to say, make the best of your pregnancy. It is a happy time in life and you should enjoy it. If I could do one thing over when it comes to having my daughter, it would be to enjoy my pregnancy. I told you all in the last blog, I just about cried the entire 9 months. But, no matter the situation, regardless who is around or not, stay healthy for you and your baby. Take care of yourself for your baby. Love yourself and love your baby. Remember, you are not alone, God will always be with you through every step. So, honey flaunt your bump!

But, I did learn that Fantasy was certainly not…

My Reality

Don't take it personal, the things I have to say,
It's not your fault in anyway.
In all honesty it has nothing to do with you,
Just things I'm coping with and going through.
Somethings that I never thought would be,
This is not the way I planned and imagined my pregnancy.
I thought my child's father would be more caring,
More involved and more understanding.
Someone who would ask if I was okay,
And made sure I ate today.
Maybe rub my feet and my back,
But things are not quite happening like that.
However I have nothing bad to say about you,
I can't make anyone do anything they don't want to do,
If I invite you to a doc appointment, to show up is on you,
No we are not married nor are we together,
So I can understand if you feel like there are certain things you don't have to do.
I agree that your obligation is to your child and not me,
But until that child gets here you should care that we both remain healthy.
This is not because I want to be with you, it actually has nothing to do with you,
Just things I hoped for my child's father to do.
No one wants to be in this situation but I thank God cause it could be worse,
Life happened but it's not the end of the world.
And although I felt this was not for me,
I had to face the fact that I'm just a "baby mama"
That's my REALITY!

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved.

Unexpected Surprise

So in the last blog I mentioned how I had a daughter and how nothing or no one came before her! She is my world, my heart, my all in all, the air I breathe and all the love I need! She's perfect for me! But...I didn't always feel this way. I never wanted kids, hell I barely like kids. Kiara is not kid friendly. Lol. If someone would have told me I would be a mom, I would have laughed dead in their face. Of course as a woman, I always dreamed of getting married, traveling, the horse and carriage, the house and white picket fence, etc; however, I never saw a child in any of that.   

But, then I met this guy in 2011, we would flirt. That was my "husband/baby daddy," as he would call himself. We were cool, great friends. He was so supportive and encouraging. Always treated me respectfully. I would stay over and he wouldn't come on to me or try anything and for that I appreciated him more. We lost contact and then in 2013, I reached out and gave him my new number. Of course we hit it off as if no time had passed between us. After a few encounters and conversations, one thing led to another and then it just happened. He was really concerned about how I felt afterwards and even apologized thinking he came on too strong. But, like I told him I didn't do anything that I didn't want to do and I was grown. So, we agreed that from that night on we would use protection and I would get on birth control, so next time we would be prepared. He didn't want another kid and I didn't want any period. We were both fresh out of relationships and nothing was serious between us, so we definitely didn't need a baby. 

Well...next time never came. I was pregnant from the very first encounter. And man when I found out, I cried like my soul had been snatched from inside of me. And then I cried everyday after that until she was born. I didn't want a kid! I was still living at home, I hated my job, I was trying to finish college and I did NOT want to be a baby mom. I couldn't take care of a baby, hell I could barely take care of me. I considered abortion, even made an appointment twice but me being the type of person that I am, I couldn't do it. My back and forth with the decision to keep or abort my baby pushed him away and for awhile he became distant. He told me from the beginning that whatever decision I made he had my back but I was being selfish.  

Anyway, after I decided to keep her, he came around. But, trust it wasn't all great. I felt things with us could have been differently during my pregnancy but that's neither here nor there.
But, we had to face reality that we were having a baby. I wasn't ready but I figured I never would be ready. So, like adults we sucked it up and dealt with our
Unexpected Surprise...

A night of passion
Because of a sexual attraction
That leads to love making with no protection
Leaving the female with an unwanted belly
Confusion
Surprise
The results couldn't be mine
This was not what they intended
It was just two friends who decided to be intimate
Nothing more than a night well spent
No dates, no ring, no flings in between
Sex came easy, hell we are no longer sixteen
But the consequences of our actions were unforeseen
Until the time came & a baby intervened
The results were very unexpected
Both mother and father objected
She can't be pregnant, her cycle just hasn't come yet
If this is true
What do we do
Neither of us want a baby & now he has two
You didn't sign up to be a mother
You and him don't even want each other
Let along a child with one another
How did y'all end up in this situation
Do you keep or abort the creation
Mad because you participated in an act that lead to procreation
& Now the two of you have a baby
You learn how to deal
This is for real
No need for the you to keep crying tears
Get over your fears
It has happened and there's nothing you can do
Because in a few months it's no longer about you
Until you heard your baby heartbeat
You still felt slight defeat
But now you're anxious for you two to meet
Because God blessed you with this offspring
Thank Him, let it go and move on
Because sooner than later you'll bring your most precious gift from God home.

©2016. Kiara Giles. All Rights Reserved